Mujer Apasionada

Some words of encouragement, reality, and compassion.

Ambiguity

The word that explains everything and nothing at all. Everything is ambiguous which can directly translate as “everything is a mystery”, something with unattained information; unclear. Living in a mystery, yet still able to understand concepts, and breathe.

If the mystery of life is solved by death, the mystery of love is solved by heartbreak.
You may ask “why the answers are the opposite?”, but when you process it, you realize that we only stop figuring these things out once they cease. Your heart is broken, love is what caused it, but why is your heart broken? You can probably go through a variety of flashbacks and notice that love is a mystery that can only be solved by the end of it, whether it picks up again or not.
I couldn’t really tell you about death, since I am still here. But everyone is seeking their own answers to their life’s mystery, why are we here? What should I do? Yet you are so busy trying to figure it out that it passes by and when death comes, it’s like a slap in the face. And here is when love and life are very similar, you must appreciate it while you have it.

An infinite mystery is the soul, the thing that drives us and seems as though it’s been through many lives. It just makes you wonder why you feel things on a deeper level, and how sometimes your soul intwines with another without an exact explanation.

I’ve fallen in love with unsolvable mysteries.

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Oh, humanity, where’d you go? Have you ever existed?

It has occurred to me that there are too many misunderstandings and not enough humanity. Why must we pertain to a certain group? Why should we feel the need to point out insignificant flaws in others?

Too many times I have heard people making fun of the way someone speaks or expresses themselves and I just can’t bring myself to understand it. Is it because they want to feel like their way is the only way to be? Or do people just enjoy emotionally damaging others? Maybe it’s not their intention to damage but instead make a joke. Which to me isn’t that funny.

I suppose it all lies within personal interests and humor. It is okay to not take everything serious and it is okay to take things very seriously, everyone’s different. They are most comfortable in the way they choose to express themselves. That way no one can really criticize the comfort of someone else.

Some people can sleep through a storm and others are awakened at the slightest sound. My point is that everyone has their limits and until we really know what they are we should not push buttons.

I’ve had quite enough of the “unintended” bullying, whether it be directly at me or me having to witness it. It’s definitely something people shouldn’t encourage or let happen. I’m not just saying this, I find this very troubling and thought it was appropriate to address.

No matter how much people like to think they are grown up or “mature” it still happens, people’s feelings are thrown in the air and there doesn’t seem to be an age limit for it.

I completely understand if it is someone you are dearly close to but words and names do hurt. I’m sure more than physical at times. So, it would be fucking awesome if everyone as a whole started taking into consideration others’ feelings. No matter their background, physical features, gender, sexual preferences, personality, or little habits. Everyone is unique and should be accepted as a human.

Hate to sound repetitive but I thought it should be put out there. It’s fine, we are humans, we have cynical and negative thoughts about others. You know what you do instead of letting it go? Swallow it. Don’t let it get out, forget about it, overlook it and you’ll notice what a difference it makes in you and the way you begin to see others.

Letting it happen is also being on the side of the oppressor. Don’t let it happen.

Changing What Was Once Unchangable

I am sure everyone at some point in their life says “I’m never going to change”, I have said it once. Now that I think of it, it was probably one of the most stupid things I could have ever said. First of all, why wouldn’t someone want to change? Is it just to fulfill what someone else thinks of you? Is it to prove something? 

It is pretty evident that there is no way for anyone to be “unchangable”, we are not the same person we were a year ago. Shit, we aren’t even the same person we were yesterday. We are a mold of experiences. I am the present, the present is what I have guided myself towards. We as humans mindlessly live our lives, doing what we think has to be done, what we want to do, and sometimes what other’s want us to do. 

Each person has their own personal values, these values change them, and the values also change with time. Something that was once important to you can be insignificant within the next day. 

My point is that people are the most mentally tangible beings. Anything can switch the direction one is heading towards, we fall in love with ideas and adapt to surroundings fairly easily. 

I think when people say they won’t change they probably mean the way they perceive the world, their attitude, and even the way they deal with situations. But guess what? That is a lie, think about it. As a young teen you would bitch about everything and cling on to people, but as you start dealing with those things you begin to notice that you just let things go, and instead of bitching you shrug your shoulders. Everyone changes, it is a part of growing up, it’s a part of molding into the person you are going to end up being later. We have to learn to accept change and embrace the fuck out of it. 

When you’re in a shitty situation, you know what you do? You do things differently, you find a way to make your shitty situation into a better place. You change to find your peace.

I have yet to meet someone who has found their peace, maybe it’s only achieved through death. Who knows..

Reflections of Myself and You

As much as anyone would like to think that being and doing things on their own is the best way to be they are lying. Even I, who basically preaches self-love and personal upbringing, without a doubt know that being lonely is the worst way to feel.

For one, I embrace darkness, I find that negative feelings help bring light. There is a difference, on one end you can deeply feel everything and react in a negative way, or let that feeling soak in and make room for something better. There needs to be a balance, a balance  where the negativeness and positiveness does not exist, it just all collides into mutual understandings because there’s many sides to everything.

The other morning I had a long talk with my father and what he said to me I will never forget, “People are like seeds, they go through life hoping to be watered. Many are disappointed because they are left lonely and dry, but you can’t give up, there is someone out there that will make that feeling go away. You will be watered, you will grow, and flourish, and find that your patience was worth the sorrow”. I tried my best to make the most sense of this and all I got was that I can’t let the loneliness get the best of me, and neither should anyone else.

It’s a feeling that eats you, devours every hope and dream you may have had. The worst part is that no one ever feels lonely until they have already been in good company once and now their soul craves that warmth again. It is hard, especially when you are as selective of people as you are selective about what you wear. Not intending that that’s the way people choose their friends but there is a similarity. You don’t want to be around someone that doesn’t compliment you as a person, likewise with what you wear. You wear what best suits you.

I find it ironic that loneliness can still be felt around a group of people, you remain in that homesick feeling. Home being with the one you feel as ease with, who you feel most comfortable around. It just hits you when you least expect it, taking a shower, drinking coffee, watching a movie, and laying in bed thinking all of this would be so much better if I had someone to joke about this with.

As much as people nowadays try to play it off and want to seem superior, they feel these things too. Everyone does, and we all forget that. I remind myself this when a stranger randomly speaks to me, they need an ear, someone to hear them and I do not mind lending that to them. If it means saving them from this horrible feeling for a couple minutes, I’ll give them that. This should not just apply to strangers, it applies to everyone, your family, friends, pets.

I came to the conclusion that this sickness(loneliness) can be cured with compassion. Be someone’s home, and they will be yours in return. It’s programmed in most people to give and receive and what better way to give compassion and receive it back. Continue to be selective, but do not be hard. Being hard will only result in your own weakness, that’s when you become wise about your choices. You begin to take part in activities and be around people you genuinely make you feel welcome, and there is no better feeling.

Unsettling Settlement

I find it interesting the way relationships work. I don’t just mean boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationships, I mean all kinds, from family relationships to casual friendships. I’ve come to realize that all these internal unspoken agreements are very crucial in realizing who we are as a person.

I’m not saying the typical cliche “the people around you show what type of person you are”, because I don’t think that is all true. We choose who/what we want around us, of course, sometimes with family it is a bit more difficult, but not impossible. We hang on to people that are dear to us, each unique in their own way. I actually believe that the amount of time you spend with that person may show what type of person you are. Maybe you are an introvert and only like being around certain people because you are only comfortable with them. Or in an extroverts case, around a group of people that make you feel like you are doing something productive.

If you pay attention to each person and who/what they choose to be around shows what they are most interested in. They may not be all about it but there is some sort of tie within them that continues to keep them in some sort of relationship.

All relationships have a start and they all start with a type of dedication, you decide what type of relationship it is and provide the necessary commitment to it. Let’s say you find someone you want to potentially be with as a couple, there are certain “common” steps everyone takes in order to form that relationship. But maybe that other person doesn’t quite see you as so, so in order to keep that person around you have a different unspoken agreement, in hopes that it leads to something else.

Usually, when you find someone with issues in committing to anything (jobs, people, objects, etc.) you realize that either there is an underlying reason for this, and depending on how committed you are to being in that persons life you take the appropriate measures to figure them out and make something work.

Personally, I feel like whenever you face a difficult path in a relationship with anyone, family, friend, or partner, you have to act on it based on what you want from that relationship. If you don’t think it’s going to work out and feel that it should cease to exist or minimize the communication then make it clear through your words and actions that you no longer wish to be committed entirely. Since we all have feelings and are accessible to being hurt, it’s best to act with maturity and do the best in your ability to make a mutual understanding.

With that being said, no two relationships are alike, therefor shouldn’t be compared or analyzed in such way. This is also why it is a bit difficult to give specific advice to anyone about their relationship, because they are not living it personally. Just be there, let them speak and remind them that it’ll turn out the way it is suppose to.

Uncertainty Among Myself

Simple things that make you rethink your whole purpose and collisions you never even imagined possible tend to come at the most unexpected times. The times you even thought “things just can’t get any worse”. But, this is not worse, the only negative feeling is that of not knowing the outcome of this circumstance.

In one end, you are sure, so sure of everything and how things will pan out. On the other end there is a scared child, shivering in nervousness, unwilling to find the right direction.

People should not possess the ability to change your mood, it is such an inconvenience. One second you are singing love songs and the next you are boiling in anger, wondering what is going on. Either way, this shit is fucking natural. I cannot begin to measure the amount of times you have underestimated your feelings because you thought it may have been wrong to feel that way.

When you feel a certain way, you should address it appropriately and leave that sugar coated bullshit for the kids who don’t know what’s going on yet. If you are angry, explain why, if you are sad, explain why, and if you are content, explain why.

But if it so happens that the person you need/want to explain this to doesn’t give a shit, write it down, breathe, and move on. There is no point in wasting your time on people who don’t care. You cannot force someone to care, don’t bother finding the flame when you are under water.

When two people dance, you are in agreement to move accordingly to the partner, you flow and keep rhythm between each other. If you are not dancing with your significant other, someone else will, or perhaps you will find one with a better rhythm. Are you dancing alone? Or is your partner simply too shy?

 

Success

A while back I had a friend ask me for advice. Clearly she didn’t know what she was doing because I am the last person anyone needs advice from, honestly. Anyway, the first thing I told her was “breathe” and she looked at me a bit confused and said that she was already breathing. I told her “No, you have to breathe with feeling, you let in the things that make you feel whole and let out of the ones that don’t”.

It took a while until she understood this. After a while went by she came back to me and thanked me. Never have I heard a more sincere thank you in my life, it was as though her life depended on those simple words.

Months went by until that same friend came back around and said, “I can breathe fine, but I am still not happy”. I tried to explain that one cannot always be happy, happy is only an emotion that is felt in a situation or day; but one cannot continuously be happy. Of course, that is my theory and not everyone can agree with it.

It is clear that humans are made to have all different kinds of emotions depending on situations they react to. For example, you’re on a date with someone you find attractive and nice, you feel content. Vice versa, someone cancels plans on you, you get upset. It is all reactions to situations and the sooner people figure that out, the better.

Back to that friend of mine, so I told her that if she doesn’t feel the way she has hoped to it is because she is not breathing correctly. The whole purpose of the breathing is to only let in the desired emotions and let out the toxic ones. She left.

“I think I am okay now, I feel comfortable in my own body now”, she tells me. I assure her that comfort is the  next thing to happiness, and usually that is what people achieve when they say they want to “be happy”.

It is nice to feel comfortable all the time, but that will end up boring most people, such as myself, and that friend of mine (who is actually me) yes, I just implied that I am my own friend to get a point across.

So, it all comes down to this, you can not ever settle for being comfortable for too long, you have to challenge yourself. Step away from that comfort zone and reach for other things that may benefit that comfortable feeling. Which leads to the advice I give myself after I have achieved a personal goal “never be satisfied”. I mean this in the most innocent way, I mean it in a personal way, don’t be satisfied with where you are at the moment (do let it sink in though), the only way to better yourself is to continue moving, no matter which way it is; forward, backward, sideways, who cares.

There is no correct way for someone to live their life, only for someone to be continuously comfortable with it.

Right, Wrong, Good, and Bad.

The thought of human behavior and popular opinion clash at almost every turn. No one can say or do something without the intent falling out of place. In other words, someone always has to be right, to prove someone wrong, and to reveal whether this other person is good or bad.

One thing is always certain, all humans die, unless you’re a vampire or some shit. But regardless, nothing will live forever, at some point all that we know and that knows us will cease to exist.

No matter what you do or say, you will go out the same way. Meaning, you can be/do anything in your life and you will cease to be as will the next person.

The only thing we differ from others is how we deal with our situations. This is where one cannot be good or bad. When making a decision you go through a process of self gratification, you will act based upon what will make you feel better. To others you will seem “good” if you  attend to your situation the way an average person may (or what society promotes to being the right way). And in the same way, you will appear “bad” if you attend the situation in a very drastic and unappealing way (drugs, isolation, suicide, etc.)

I do not mean people don’t make mistakes, because we are only human. We will end up making a decision from time to time that affects us in a way that was not planned and turn out hurting yourself and even others.

When considering anything, it almost always immediately applies to yourself before anything. Therefore the only opinion that should matter is one’s own.

I am actually just trying to say the most cliché thing that has ever been said “DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY”. That is it, that is my awesome conclusion. Mostly because I feel like we tend to forget that, including myself.

I can’t count how many times others have perceived me as being some evil person when in all reality I was just dealing with my own. And sometimes, I would unintentionally hurt someone and you know what? I can not physically/mentally/verbally do anything to make that person better if I wanted to, that pain is to be dealt with on their own. That will lead to their decisions and so forth, making this huge chain reaction that had initially started at one person.

So, when it comes to yourself, you are the only one to dictate and voice what will happen and act upon it based on your personal opinion.

If you were to apply this to any world issue, everyone always chooses a side, you can’t call someone out on their opinion because if they did that to you– you would be offended and no one likes being offended. That is why there are so many political debates today, because someone’s views are always “wrong” to another and there is almost never a clear understanding between humans without having someone offended.

This is also to promote the cliché act of “PUTTING YOURSELF IN OTHER PEOPLE’S SHOES”, because there is no better understanding than the view through first person, and if you feel like leaving someone or a situation will benefit yourself and the other person in the long run, then do so. Do not hold on to what does not want to be held.

But then again, this is all my personal opinion, do what you please with it, I am only voicing my opinion to no specific person but myself.

Unrequited

It seems as though there is always someone who feels more of than the other.

I suppose in this case it means that forgiveness is not equally given, nor is patience similarly practiced.

The whole idea of inequality and double standards plays a role in the everyday life. Whether it be between two people or groups.

The lack of forgiveness shows a lessened amount of care which is no damn surprise with most people nowadays. And when one does not have patience it affects not only the other person but him/herself.

I can forgive you as many times needed and I can withstand your issues, but if that is all not returned then there is nothing to hold the relationship together.

Unrequited affection is like poison. A poison two people were suppose to take, and one spat it out. Now the one who took the risk is the only one suffering the poison’s toxins.

Realizing Realization

There is too much nothing. The lack of actual human interaction has increasingly subsided. Not  that it truly matters to me, because I rather keep to myself, but now, no one understands each other.

I used to think growing up would be a wonderful journey, I’d meet cool people, fall in love, and do things I’d remember for the rest of my life.

What I have realized is that my childish wishful thinking turned out to be a foretelling of a live nightmare. You know, the ones where  you sweat and cry through and hope you wake up from but end up actually falling into some black hole, and while you’re in that black hole you just let yourself go; somehow as you let yourself go and no longer feel afraid, or feel anything for that matter, you wake up.

These continuous “nightmares” happen when one of my “wonderful journeys” kick me in the ass. For instance, I meet a cool person, they turn out to be jealous assholes who only think of themselves. (Not referring to anyone is specific, everyone is a jealous egotistical fucktard). BUT after you have that realization you go through a process of letting go. The “black hole” nightmare repeats itself and won’t let you move on until you are numb and convince yourself it is best to leave that once “cool person” behind.

I think it has the same effect for lovers and little adventures. We can’t fully move on until we face the stupid “black hole” and get back to reality less inspired and motivated to even give more “wonderful journeys” a chance.

I guess what I am trying to say is that everyone looks for an excuse not to move forward, or repair a situation that can benefit more than one person. Even if that one thing wasn’t all that great, take it all in, let it be a lesson, let it be a stepping stone in your life.

When you realize the effect you have on yourself and others around you, it can not go bad. I’ve gotten to my point of external peace. Nothing can bother me anymore. Being humble is not a characteristic, it is a choice, to hold your hand out for others, yet not being afraid to reach out for one when you’re in need. The knowledge of not knowing but trying anyhow, it’s by far the most admirable trait in any person.